SUPER SELF-ESTEEM
Go for It!
Are you tired of feeling inferior
because you aren't as rich or smart or attractive as
others? Well, I've got good news! You can just kiss that
old inferiority complex goodbye.
"How?", you ask incredulously.
Oh, you of little faith. How indeed. By making yourself
feel superior, of course. I'm not talking about feeling
good about yourself or accepting yourself or any of that
sensitive stuff. That's for losers and dreamy eyed idealists
and downright wimps.
I'm talking about SUPER
SELF-ESTEEM! Regular self-esteem is okay, but it's not
honest. Why stop at self-esteem when you can feel really
superior! Let's face it. What you really want is a
foolproof way to prove to yourself that you are better than
the next guy.
That's what this book is all
about. You will learn how to make yourself feel superior to
anybody, yes anybody. I'll show you how I make myself feel
better than you because you shelled out good money for this
book. Then you will learn how you can make yourself feel
superior to me.
Once you read and practice the
methods in this book, you will never feel inferior again.
What a great feeling it is to be truly superior. It's better
than drugs. It's even better than sex. You will enjoy
multiple orgasms of self-admiration and snobbery any time you
want.
There's more. In this book, I'll
show you how to feel morally worthier too. From now on, you
can feel saintly any time you want. You will learn how to
play God, judging and condemning others for their sins.
Believe me, there is nothing like the feeling of
self-righteous superiority!
"Sounds good," I hear you say, "but
what if I'm just an average Joe?" Don't worry. These
methods don't depend on your being filthy rich or a perfect
10 or an upstanding citizen. They will work for anyone, yes,
even you.
There is a catch, of course. To
feel really superior, you must be willing to accept feeling
upset from time to time. You will probably feel anxious,
depressed, frustrated and angry quite a bit, but who cares.
What's a little upsetness compared to the exquisite delight
of SUPER SELF-ESTEEM?
I'm Better Than You
Just to show you the method, here's
an example of what I do to feel important. Whenever I feel
down or insecure, I run through some ideas I call
superlatives. These are similar to affirmations, just more
exaggerated. Here are some of my favorite superlatives:
I am vastly superior.
I am better than you.
I am one cool dude.
Wow, what an outstanding person I am.
Nobody is as good as me.
"What if I don't believe these
superlatives?", you may be thinking. So what! Just keep
repeating them mindlessly often enough and it won't matter
whether you believe them or not. Your mind is like a dumb
computer that believes whatever it hears often enough. How
do you think advertising works?
Besides, you are probably thinking
too much. One of the keys to Super Self-Esteem is to not
think too critically or carefully. If you are going to
insist on clear thought, you might as well forget about
feeling superior.
What was that? Yes, you in the
back, what did you say? Well, of course, people will think
you are arrogant. Sure, some people will be turned off, but
who needs them anyway. Believe me, there are plenty of
people who will admire you for your conceit. They will want
to suck up to you, hoping some of your confidence will rub
off on them.
What about your spouse? Your
friends? If they can't handle your new sense of
superiority, let them take a hike. You will feel so good,
you don't need all that closeness and love. Besides, you
will soon have plenty of new acquaintances who won't require
any real commitment. Shallow relationships won't disturb
your enjoyment of your own magnificence.
Besides, anything worthwhile has a
price. Nobody said it would be easy to feel superior. No
pain, no gain, as they say. Forget those losers who can't
handle your Super Self-Esteem.
Okay, so superlatives will help you
feel superior. Later, I'll show you how to construct your
own, tailored to your specific situation. That's not enough,
though. To achieve deeper feelings of greatness, you must
master more complex techniques.
Let me illustrate. One of the
important ways to feel superior is to set up rules that allow
you to compare yourself favorably to others. For example, I
firmly believe that a person who has written a book is
superior to one who hasn't. Thus, for every book I sell, I
not only get money, but my stock in myself goes up.
Obviously, if you knew as much as I did, you wouldn't have to
read my book. That makes me doubly superior. Get the
idea.
Now, if you are sharp, you might
notice a catch in this logic. What if you have written a
more successful book? If you noticed this, give yourself
brownie points. But you are still inferior to me because
you didn't think of this first.
Of course, not too many people have
written successful books, so I'm on pretty safe ground. For
the occasional person who has written a better book, I have
to resort to the most sophisticated methods to maintain my
sense of superiority.
To give you a sneak preview of
what's coming, let me illustrate a few of these sure-fire
techniques:
Rationalizing - My book is really
better. The success of this other lousy work just goes to
show you how dumb the reading public really is.
Excuses - If I would have put more
effort into it, I could have done better than him, but I
really didn't feel like it.
Sour Grapes - Who wants all that success
anyway. What a pain in the neck.
Blaming - My publisher didn't market my
book effectively enough. My editor did a lousy job too.
Irrelevant Comparisons - That guy is
probably some nerd with thick glasses. I'm sure I'm better
looking than he is.
Suspiciousness - Those publishers and
retailers are in cahoots. They suppressed my book because
they are afraid they won't be able to control me like they
can that other guy.
Self-righteousness - That other author
probably paid off book reviewers, that no good schnook. At
least my conscience is clear.
Prejudice - Authors are all wimps,
except for me, of course.
Get the idea? With a little
practice, you will find that you can keep up your sense of
superiority no matter what the circumstances.
You're Better Than Me
To prove this to yourself, lets try
a tough one, convincing yourself that you, the reader, are
better than me. Of course, it isn't true, but you don't
need to believe that. Instead, you can believe whatever
nonsense you want. Just assert it, without any thought at
all. Tell yourself:
I'm better than that loser.
Who does he think he is?
What a showoff!
He probably spent years writing this
stupid book and hardly made a cent off it.
He probably had a ghost writer.
If I wanted to, I could write a better
book, but I won't waste my time like he did.
I probably make more money than him.
Who needs all that success.
Psychologists are all crazy.
Feeling better? Good, you're
catching on. Maybe your not such a loser after all. If you
buy my next book, I might even stoop to talking to you. If
you get really good at the methods I will show you, I'll hate
your guts. But that's okay. Who needs friendship anyway.
Joe Blow
Let me tell you about a guy who was
in one of my seminars on Super Self-Esteem. I'll call him
Joe Blow, so you won't know that his real name is Joseph B.
Darcy. This guy is apparently some well adjusted jerk who
practiced something called Rational-Emotive Therapy.
Joe seemed like a nice guy, which,
by the way, is a tip off that he is a loser. You know, nice
guys finish last. He was nicely dressed and groomed, but
fairly average looking. Another loser sign was that he sat
right up front looking eager and interested.
The funny thing was that when I
went through my usual introduction of showing the audience
how I could easily make myself feel superior to them, he
didn't seem affected. The rest of the crowd was practically
hanging their head in shame that they were in the audience
and not giving a high price seminar like me. He was just
sitting there smiling. I figured maybe he does a higher
priced seminar, so I asked him, but he said he doesn't do
seminars.
As I got going explaining how the
audience could convince themselves they are better than me,
he didn't get that gleam of superiority like the rest of the
crowd. About halfway through the morning, he raised his
hand. I tried to ignore him, but he held it high, and he was
on the front row, so I finally called on him.
"My name is Joe," he said. "I am a
psychologist who practices Rational-Emotive Therapy. I agree
with you about how your thoughts play a big role in how you
feel."
I could hear the "but" coming and I
knew I was in for some trouble.
"But," he continued, "making
yourself feel superior may not be healthy in the long run.
Self-esteem and self-downing are the flip sides of the same
coin. You can feel superior temporarily, but you are setting
yourself up for a big fall. With your system, one would have
to work hard to keep up your sense of superiority. You would
probably feel anxious about losing your feeling of worth and
if it did slip, you might feel depressed. Your conceit would
also turn off others and block any true intimacy, wouldn't
it?"
'Thank goodness', I thought to
myself. 'This will be easier than I expected.' I took the
bull by the horns and replied, "Yes, you probably would, but
so what?"
"You might enjoy a temporary
feeling of pleasure," he responded, "but in the long run, you
would probably be miserable. You wouldn't have any
meaningful relationships and you would very likely sabotage
your own success and happiness."
All this time, he was staying calm
and pleasant. Naturally, I was getting angry as heck.
"Look, you pansy," I yelled. "This
isn't a seminar about emotional health and happiness! It's
about feeling superior. I already told you Super Self-Esteem
has a price, didn't I? So what? It's worth a little
depression and anxiety. As for all that intimacy, who wants
it. You're probably one of those sensitive, self-actualized
guys who treats women as people and makes assertive "I"
statements. What a loser. Do you think the human race would
be where it is if we hadn't bashed a few heads along the
way? Who do you think you are telling us we can't feel
superior?"
"You can feel anyway you like," he
replied mildly. "I'm just pointing out the cost of
superiority. As for the aggressiveness of the human race,
yes, it has had advantages, but at a price. However, you can
be firm and stand up for yourself without being aggressive.
Maybe we humans would be even further along if we had learned
to think realistically and reduce unhealthy, inappropriate
feelings like anxiety, guilt, depression, shame and anger."
The people in the audience looked
confused and doubtful. I could tell they were starting to
think critically. This simply wouldn't do. You can't feel
truly superior if you are going to examine every belief you
hold and insist on realistic thinking.
I took the offensive.
"What you are proposing, then, is
that all these fine people are doomed to feeling inferior, I
suppose", I said smugly. I could tell that hit the
audience's button. Everyone in the room turned to look at
Joe.
"Not at all," he said without
skipping a beat. "What I am suggesting is that
self-acceptance is healthier than self-esteem. You can
simply accept that you are who you are, no better or no worse
than anyone else. You may be better at some things, worse at
others, but your worth as a total human being doesn't depend
on those comparisons. We are all fallible, mistake prone,
imperfect human beings. It makes sense to rate your
performances and characteristics, but not yourself. What
you are suggesting is using arbitrary and highly
overgeneralized criteria to evaluate your worth. That's not
only irrational and unrealistic, but it is the main cause of
unhealthy emotions and self-defeating behaviors."
That was too much.
"Okay, wiseguy," I said
sarcastically. "Let's test your lofty ideas. Do you all
want to be self-accepting and happy or would you rather feel
really superior even if you might feel miserable from time to
time? Let's take a vote. How many are in favor of wimpy
self-acceptance?"
Of course, Joe raised his hand. A
few others in the audience tentatively raised their hands,
but when they saw that most others weren't, they quickly
dropped them.
"Okay," I continued. "Now how many
would like to feel really superior to everyone?"
Hands shot up. A few people still
looked confused, but as the room filled with upraised arms,
like a forest of trees, these few stragglers raised theirs
too, with the exception of Joe, of course.
"Let me ask you Joe", I said in an
icy tone of mock politeness. "How many of your clients go
for this self-acceptance and realistic thinking you are
pushing?"
"Not everyone," he admitted.
"Self-esteem is very addictive. When they do, they usually
find it empowers them to be more effective, healthy and
happier individuals."
Now I was really hitting my
stride. I used the surefire technique of distorting what he
said.
"So, you fail frequently." I said
snidely. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm
getting tired of this moron's goody goody happiness crap."
Notice how I was attacking him as a person and labeling him
and his point of view.
"I'm a reasonable guy", I said
haughtily. "Let's put it to a vote. How many of you are in
favor of asking Joe Blow here to take his realistic thinking
and shove it out the door?"
Again a forest of hands, this time
with hoots and hollers to go along with it. Joe got his
well-adjusted tail out of there in a hurry.
"While we are at it," I continued.
"Anyone else who isn't committed to feeling truly superior
might as well leave right now and good riddance. We don't
need that kind of negative thinking here."
Only two wimps slinked out of the
room.
"Okay, everyone," I triumphantly
proclaimed, "lets clear our minds by repeating a
superlative. Everyone say, 'I am a truly superior person.'"
The room welled with that mantra.
"I am a truly superior person."
"Louder!", I implored.
"I am a truly superior person. I
am a truly superior person. I am a truly superior person."
Everyone in the room glowed. They
looked happy to me.
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