Relationships & Intimacy
Question and Answer
Q. Can you please explain the difference
to me between needing and wanting to be with someone you
love, and which one is healthy and which one is not and why.
It might seem really simple to you but I really need to know
because I want to make the right decision for once in my
life. Thank you.
A. That is an excellent question. First of
all, we are talking about one's belief's about love. You can
choose to believe you need love or only want it. The
difference to me is that needing is an absolute demand, while
wanting is a preference. When we think we need love, we make
love an absolute condition of our happiness and self worth.
Need is like oxygen, something you have to have. Preference
is desirable, but you don't have to have it to be happy or
feel okay about yourself. Believing your need love is
unhealthy because it makes you desperate for love, anxious
about losing it and depressed if you lose it. Wanting love is
health because it will motivate you but without creating
desperation, anxiety or depression. Once you realize you
don't need love, you will be more willing to seek out more
desirable individuals, not just the safe ones. You will have
much more power in a relationship. You won't put up with bad
treatment. In short, you are much more likely to have a
satisfying love relationship. It is ironic that the more we
think we need something, the less able we are to have it.
Coming to really believe that you don't
need love, while healthy, also takes some work. The idea that
we need love is very common, as you can prove very easily.
Just listen to the radio and in a few minutes, you will hear
a song with lyrics like, "I can't live without you". That
sounds very romantic, but it isn't really true. One reason
why people love the idea of needing love is that they are
chasing an illusion - that if you can only find the right
person, everything will be wonderful and you will "live
happily ever after". While a good love relationship can add a
lot to your life satisfaction, it isn't the end all of
happiness. There are no Cinderellas or Prince Charmings, just
us human beings. Any relationship will have it's plusses and
minuses. The trick is to find and create a relationship where
both parties can be better off by being together. So, to
summarize, it is much healthier (and more realistic) to seek
love because you want it, not out of a desperate need.
To learn more about this, read the
relationship section on my site. Also check out the suggested
readings, particularly "Love is Never Enough" by Aaron Beck
and "Marriage is a Loving Business" by Paul Hauck. Hope this
helped and thanks for the question. --
Q. I need help with my marriage. We have
been married 7 1/2 years. My husband was 34 and I was almost
31 when we married, the only marriage for both of us. I
explained to him before we got married that divorce was not
an option for me. I made a commitment for life. Neither of us
make friends easily but I thought that we could be each
others' best friend. I quit working in Dec. 1992, became
pregnant quickly and we have an intelligent, sweet, beautiful
3 1/2 year old daughter. I know what it is like to grow up
without a father and I will not do that to her. My husband
has threatened me with divorce again today, the last time was
a month ago, then about a year before that and stretching
back to our honeymoon. I think that he does it BECAUSE he
knows that I won't hold him to it, it is just a way of
letting off steam. But it still hurts. He is a very
self-centered, with-holding, controlling, negative person who
eaisly feel rejection. And he admits to it! I know that I
have deep fears about abandonment, easy to cry and get my
feelings hurt. He doesn't talk much to me, he listens to
people all day at work and has told me that I chatter too
much. I am a stay at home Mama and I have no close friends. I
haven't even seen my best friend from college since the
wedding and last year I made too many phone calls to distant
cousins (I got into genealogy) and he told me I can't make
anymore phonecalls. Another of his points of anger with me is
that he says that all I want is his money. I really want to
be a full time Mama, some women can do it all but I know that
I can't. I have to ask him for money of anything outside of
groceries or gas for the car. The house is his, he bought it
when we had just met. I am expected to clean it, wash his
clothes and cook his meals and be willing to please hime in
bed. Rarely do I do anything right the first time. But he
won't talk to me, smile at me, it took him over 6 years to
learn to say "thank you, I enjoyed dinner" and I still find
myself stupidly asking him if he liked it, and prompting a
responce. We have gone to marrige counselling but after a few
sessions he says that it isn't working, it costs too much and
quits going. He won't pay for me to go by myself to
counselling either. I plan to ask him if he will go talk with
one of our pastors who counsels couples, but I don't know if
he will go. Whe our daughter was about 6 months old we
started a course on the Bible which was about 9 months long.
I had hoped to learn what he thought about the Bible and grow
closer but we were split up in the class and never talked
about it at home. I would evesdrop on his groups discussion
just to hear his ideas. He laughed when they split up all
couples in the class. I know that this has been a long
letter. I wish that I had someone to talk to. My gynecologist
put me on Zoloft 25mg/day back in late October 1996 because I
asked her to...I wanted to try to avoid the usual Holiday
arguments because our daughter is old enough to notice. I
want to be a good parent, a good wife, and raise our daughter
and any more children that we may have, to be happy, secure,
responsible adults. Is there any place online that I can talk
to someone? Thank you for your time.
A. Thanks for writing. Sorry it's taken so
long to respond. Your situation is complex and difficult, so
it is hard to respond to in a brief message like this forum.
You seem quite distressed and unhappy, which is very
unfortunate. It might help to separate your situation into
two, separate but related issues. One is your
dissatisfactions with your marriage. The other is your hurt,
depression and frustration about the marriage problems. It is
certainly understandable how you would feel this way under
the circumstances. Nevertheless, while I understand and
sympathize, getting upset is not helping you to solve the
marriage problem. I might suggest that you check out the
section on depression at my site and try the self-help tools
for overcoming depression. Also, check out the suggested
readings, especially "Feeling Good" by David Burns, "Marriage
is a Loving Business" by Paul Hauck, and "Love is Never
Enough" by Aaron Beck. Once you have a handle on your own
emotions, you will be in a better position to "negotiate"
with your husband. It might also be worth trying counseling
again. There are lots of different approaches and
personalities, so just because one didn't help doesn't mean
another one won't. See the section on finding a therapist at
my site for some ideas about "shopping" for a therapist. I
recently came across some internet resources for self-help
that might be useful for you. You can find them at the
following web sites: Dr. GROHOL's Mental Health Page: Mail
Lists Resources and Dr. GROHOL's Mental Health Page - Usenet
Newsgroups. You can connect to these by going to
http://www.cyberpsych.com/links.html
Hope this helped and good luck. With some
work, I believe you can redefine your marriage to make it
much more satisfying. Take care.
Q. I am not sure where to start! I know
this man who is a friend of the family. Basically to make a
long story short, he has manipulated EVERYONE he knows. He
knows exactly what to say and how to say it, he knows how to
respond differently to different people. I have never seen
anything like this. He almost ruined my marriage and my
relationship with my mom! I dont have a perfect relationship
with either one of them, but there is no such thing as
"perfect" . He manipulated all of us into alienting one
another. And the funny thing is , we are not stupid people.
When we have a problem with eachother or something in
general, we talk about it and deal with it. My husband and I
have realized what he was doing to us and so have my mother
and I. We have been talking with his other friends and some
of his family, and they know EXACTLY what we are talking
about. They say it has been getting worse through the years.
I realized something was really wrong, when he drove up and
down my driveway one night, blaring his horn and screaming
obscenties. I didn't even know who it was! Then I finally got
a look at the car, after I called the police. He then called
me later AGAIN that night and said, " OH, am sorry for doing
that, but you have to realize that was just anger talking..."
I have no idea where this man is coming from. I am afraid of
him, especially after what I and everyone he knows have
talked about. Meaning our relationships and experiences with
his behavior. He alienates people he knows from one another
and convinces them that the others are crazy. Obviously it
would take a while to really explain what has happened so you
can understand better what has specifically gone on. I
appreciate your time and am hoping if you can't help me, you
know someone who can. I also learned today, that I lost my
job, because of his "manipulation" !!!! Now I have to go into
my employer and try to explain this whole thing!
A. Thanks for writing. Sounds like a
very difficult, complicated situation. Starting off with the
easiest part, I would suggest you tell your employer as
little as possible about the situation. You might want to
make a brief explanation (just a few sentences), then go into
showing how much you have helped the company and how this
situation will not affect your work. Dwelling on the problems
with this man will probably just get your employer more
worried. I call this the "minus, plus, plus, plus" method of
handling negative information.
As to what to do about the man, I am
somewhat at a loss because I'm not clear what your
relationship with him is. Obviously, one answer might be to
severe all ties with the man, if that is possible. The other
thing you might want to explore is how you have allowed this
person to manipulate you. I imagine he has "pushed your
buttons", which it seems he is quite good at. You might want
to check out the book in the suggested readings by Albert
Ellis called "How to Keep People From Pushing Your Buttons".
Also check out the section on finding a therapist. It might
be worth getting some counseling to help you deal with this
difficult situation. There is another book not listed called
"Dealing with Difficult People" by Robert Bramson that you
might check out. Good luck.
Q. I broke up with my financee this last
February. Since that time I have tried to be friends with him
(per his request) but he has continuously taken advantage of
my good nature and attempted to manipulate me in any way he
can (by the way...he doesnt deny this manipuation).
Therefore, I have found that I must not have any
communication with him whatsoever. I have told him that I do
not wish to be contacted by him and have even gone so far as
to block him out of my e-mail. Well this has lasted about 10
days and he has now begun to send me cards for my birthday
(which is tomorrow). So far I have received 2 cards (this
begun a week ago) and he has changed his e-mail name and has
sent me 3 e-mails. The last card I received was about how
much he missed me. I used to feel sorry for him, as he has no
one in his life, but realize that is of his own doing. I have
been ignoring him but he just wont give up. What else can I
do? I would appreciate any suggestions you can give me.
A. Sounds like a tough situation.
The first thing I would suggest is to really ignore him, like
not even reading his cards or e-mail. Just like with spams or
flames, just hit the delete button. What is difficult about
this undoubtedly is that this person knows your "buttons" and
is probably pretty good at pushing them. In particular, your
feelings of empathy for him, and I would guess guilt,
frustration and anger may be coming into play. These feelings
may make it difficult for you to completely ignore him. The
danger here is that any reaction will probably encourage him
(unintentionally, of course). You might want to work on your
own feelings using some of the self-help tools at my site,
for example. This might help you to implement your plan of
ignoring him. I know it is difficult, but if you are patient,
I suspect he will eventually go away. I suppose you could
look into restraining orders and so on, but that may just
provoke him and escalate the situation, so that would
probably be a last resort. Is there anyone close to him you
could talk to, like his family or mutual friends? You might
try that if ignoring doesn't work after giving it a good try
for a month or two. The other issue your question raises is
about how you got involved with him in the first place and
what happened in the relationship.. You might want to explore
those issues in counseling to avoid such situations in the
future. Happy birthday, by the way, and good luck.
Q. I am 25 yrs. old and getting married
in 4 months. We have been together for a year and a half.
Recently, I have been thinking that he isn't sure he wants to
marry me by the way he has just sort of stop doing all those
cute thoughful things. My fear is that he is going to decicde
that I am not what he thought I was. Or that he can just get
comfortable. I was engaged once before, and it was a
emotionally abusive relationship. I cant seem to get over
some of those fears/anxieties and emotional tail spins of
distrust. My fiance has never done anything to make me doubt
him, why then am I so suspicous. I am afraid to tell him what
I have been thinking cause he might think that there is
something wrong with me. Or that my past is going to hold me
hostage. HELP, I feel like calling it all off, that way he
can't hurt me or disappoint me. The thought of another failed
relationship is unbearable. My head just start spinning and I
get sick to my stomach. I don't even feel like myself. That's
how I used to feel with the other guy. He could emotionally
paralize me. Do I need help or am I freaking out with cold
feet fear????
A. Thanks for your question. Sounds
like you do have a case of cold feet, which is certainly not
unusual. Getting married is a big commitment and most of us
have some apprehension about commitment. I think you have hit
the nail on the head in realizing that it is not him, but
your own fears and insecurities talking. As I discuss in
various places on my web site, our feelings are largely
caused by the way we are thinking about things. Your belief
that it would be unbearable if it doesn't work out is
probably a lot of why you feel so fearful. You didn't say
this, but I imagine you would feel pretty bad about yourself
if it fails. Usually, it is not the rejection itself that we
fear, but the perceived loss of self-worth. While such fears
are normal, they are not healthy. To get out of the
relationship to reduce your fear that it won't work out is
guaranteeing that it won't. You might want to explore your
"self-talk" about these fears and start questioning some of
your own thoughts. Like for example, "how likely is it that
it won't work out". If it doesn't, will the world end, or
will life go on? Do you really need to be loved to validate
your worth? All it really means when one gets rejected is
that you are not right for each other, not that either party
is unlovable. What all this boils down to is that the more
you can feel secure in yourself and develop unconditional
self-acceptance (USA), the less afraid you will be and the
more you can enjoy the relationship. If you haven't already,
please read the sections on my web site about anxiety and
relationships. Then try some of the specific anti-anxiety
methods, like "reality check", "coping statements" and
"exchange vocabulary". You may also want to check out the
suggested readings list and the "finding a therapist"
section. With practice and work, you can reduce or eliminate
these fears. Hope this helped and let me know how things work
out.
Q. My girl friedn has a habit of lying.
She lies to almost every body, including her mom. I think she
just lies with realizing that she is lying. And, she dated
another guy when she was dating me. She lied to both of us
that the other was just a fiend. When I found out she was
seeing another guy, I said I was out. But she didn't want me
out. She lied a lot to keep me. She would lie that she was
pregnant, she would break up with the other guy. I really
don't understand her. Can you give me an analysis?
A. There are many reasons why a
person might engage in habitual lying. Usually it is a way of
temporarily avoiding whatever consequence telling the truth
might cause. For example, by lying, she might keep you from
leaving her. This may work for awhile, but it eventually
catches up with the person. In that respect, it is like
drinking or drugging, it works in the short run, but not in
the long run. Other people lie for the excitement of it, as a
form of conscious manipulation. They like being in crisis and
stirring up trouble. These are just some possibilities. Your
girl friend may have other motivations to lie. Regardless of
why, though, this behavior would appear undesirable. I have
some questions for you. Have you talked to her about the
lying and told her how you feel about it? Have you suggested
she get counseling? Have you looked at your own reasons for
staying with a person that treats you in that way? You may
want to consider counseling yourself, with or without her. Or
at least, make some further efforts at self-development, like
by trying some of the techniques at my site or reading some
of the books on the suggested readings list. You may want to
try "Love is Never Enough", by Aaron Beck as a starting
point. Hope this helped and take care.
Q. Can you possibly tell me something
about the personal grooming habits of young Vietnamese
persons? How can I from an American culture--where mostly
people take care of personal things like tooth-brushing,
defecating, peeing, etc. alone--deal with (in my mind, as
it's none of my business outside of my mind!) an engaged
couple of Vietnamese origin walking in on each other in the
bathroom constantly. Thanks.
A. Thanks for writing. It seems like
this situation is bothering you quite a bit, but I'm not sure
I understand what is going on. Are you all roommates or what?
Anyway, I am not really aware of any particular Vietnamese
cultural tendency to not have privacy in personal matters.
That's not to say it isn't there, but I've just never heard
of it. I would imagine that in addition to whatever cultural
differences there might be, there are also personal
variations in the desire for privacy within any culture. The
main thing here, though, seems to be that you are letting
this bother you. Again, I'm not sure how it affects you
directly, but in any event, you can just accept that people
have the right to (and actually do) act in the way they think
is right. Of course, you could ask them to modify their
behavior, if you wanted to, but you can learn how to not let
it upset you needlessly by trying some of the self-help tools
at my site. Hope this helped and that I am not way off in my
understanding of the situation.
Q. We have a 32 year old son,
married/divorced (2 children by 1st marriage); remarried-
1child. He's our only child- x-wife & 2 children live 300
mile from us. We have always bought the children's clothes,
etc. Each time we go up to visit them, they always have old
worn clothes on and with them (we have to go to motels to
stay- which is very expensive also. But we do want to see
them). My wife and I are always upset by how they look and
it's very embarrasing and in the past I have made sure the
boy gets a haircut, my wife tries to fix the girls hair the
best she can (it's long and a mess). They are twins (will be
11 in Sept.). We are paying for braces (she has lost her
retainers twice). We are hard-working middle class people and
just don't know what to do. I am 60 and my wife is 57. We
feel as if we're raising another family. We feel we are on a
merry-go-round. What would you say we should do at this
point. Our son married a woman that had never been married,
came into the marriage owing $20,000.00 on credit cards -
we've bailed them out financially this past year (such as
paying for gas so the gas wouldn't be shut off- my wife
co-signed a loan at the credit union to consolidate their
bills. We are really confused. What would you suggest?
A. Sounds like a very difficult
situation. I don't know if there are any easy answers either
because you obviously want to help out the children. The
danger here (and you seem aware of it) is that by helping
out, you may be "enabling" the kid's parents. This term comes
from alcoholic families where often the family members of the
drinker will do things that actually make it easier for the
drinker to maintain this behavior. In effect, they protect
him (or her) from himself. You might be inadvertently doing
that with your son (and your ex-daughter in law). One way of
thinking about this is to pretend that this is not your son,
but a younger friend. How would you feel and act? Of course,
that isn't exactly true, but it might help you to put it in
the perspective that your son is not a child any more and is
capable of owning his own problem. The hard thing about this,
of course, is that your grandchildren are the ones that may
suffer for your son's irresponsibility. You might also want
to examine your own feelings, particularly any guilt feelings
you may have. Your son may be pushing your guilt buttons and
using emotional blackmail on you. Check out the "How to Keep
People From Pushing Your Buttons" book by Albert Ellis
mentioned in the suggested readings. You might also have a
frank talk with your son about your confusion. There may also
be other ways of helping your grandchildren, like starting a
savings fund for their education (under your control) rather
than helping out the parents financially. I am assuming that
their money problems are due to some poor decisions and
irresponsibility rather than to circumstances beyond their
control. Hope this helped. You might want to consider getting
a few sessions of counseling to more fully explore your
feelings about this and your options.
Q. Do you think a 27 yr old woman and a
39 yr old male are too far apart in age? I am the female and
am 99% sure we will be married someday. He divorced in
January and has a 4 yr old daughter who lives with her
mother. I've never been married. We've been seeing each other
for almost 3 years. (He was legally separated for quite
awhile.) My parents are upset because 1) he's "too old" 2)
he's been divorced and 3) has a kid. Is he too old? And is
there anything I can tell them that could comfort them? I
think it helps a little with them, that he is very successful
professionally and is very educated, besides being a truly
wonderful person. They haven't met him yet though, but will
soon! Also, if there are any books dealing with this subject
that you can recommend to me, I'd really appreciate that too.
A. Good question. The answer is, it
depends. I think the most important thing is for the two of
you to feel okay about it. I don't think there is anything
intrinsically problematic about a twelve year age difference,
except with life expectancies being what they are, you may be
fairly likely to be a widow some day. In some cases, there
may also be differences in where the people are in their life
goals, activities, emotional maturity and so on. As long as
you are compatible with each other and have a strong, healthy
relationship, that is the main thing. The other issues is
your parent's concerns. You might "reflect their feelings"
when they bring it up to you, as in saying, "You seem worried
about this relationship". This will bring out their
fears/concerns and will probably be more productive than
trying to argue with them about the issue. Meeting him will
probably help a lot. The other thing is your own emotional
reaction to your parent's upsetness. After all, it is your
decision and your life. One way to think of this is to
pretend these were not your parents, but some older friends.
How would you feel and act? I'm sure they are just concerned,
but they may also have their own agenda too. Even with people
we are close with, it is important to establish clear
boundaries. I don't know off hand of any book dealing with
this specific issues, but there probably are. The book called
"Love is Never Enough" by Aaron Beck listed in the suggested
readings is an excellent general book on relationships.
Another great book is "Marriage is a Loving Business" by Paul
Hauck. Good luck and thanks for writing.
Q. I am a nurse and am very concerned
about my husband. We have recently seperated because of these
problems. My husband seems to have a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde
problem. There are times that he can be nice, but other times
when even the slightest thing can send him into a tirade. He
is a very angry and hostile person who can not and does not
accept when he is wrong. He belames his mistakes on others.
Everyone that knows him ,excuse my language, says that he is
an asshole. When I first meet him, he treated my differently
than everyone else, but now he is treating me just as bad, if
not worse. We went to a marriage counselor, but that only
lasted two times until the counselor told us that I was right
and he was wrong. His favorite person to belame for his
negative behavior is my son from a previous marriage. He says
that everything is Brian's fault, not his. Brian is 21. He is
also a very disliked person at his job. This is all because
of his behasvior and attitude. If he were younger, I would
classify him as Oppositional Defiant Disorder, but he is well
over 18. I am asking for advice because I still love him very
much and would like to see him get the help that he obviously
needs. Hopefully, after he gets help, I can start to get my
marriage back on line. I would greatly appreciate any input
into this situation that you could possibly give me. Thank
you for listening and for your time.
A. Thanks for writing and sorry for
your situation. It certainly sounds like your husband could
benefit from getting help. It may be that the marriage
counselor you saw was not the right one to provide that help.
Please check out the "Finding a therapist" section of my
site. It think it pays to shop around for a therapist that
works for you. You might also want to read the book, "Anger,
How to Live with and Without It", by Albert Ellis. This is
referenced in the suggested readings section of my site.
Angry people are often scared, insecure and hurting inside,
which they cover up with anger. I do encourage people going
through marriage problems to exercise extreme patience and
make every reasonable effort to achieve a reasonably healthy
resolution of their differences. It might be useful for you
to try some different approaches to counseling, regardless of
what your husband does. If he is willing, he can learn how to
get over his hostility and anger, as can your son. I am
planning to add a section on frustration and anger to my
site, but in the meanwhile, check out the reference I
suggested. Thanks again.
Q. My significant other and I have been
living together off and on for nearly two years. We have
decided to get married and are committed to each other and to
making our relationship work. In general I would describe our
relationship as very good. However, recently issues have
arisen over how we spend our time. In the last few months my
spouse has taken up watching hockey on television, going to
hockey games when his team is at home, etc. This takes up a
lot of time. He also has other interests and spends time with
his friends playing music etc. I am feeling neglected lately,
as if doing things with me comes last on his list of
priorities. We have discussed this, and he is very receptive
to how I feel. I don't want him to stop doing things that he
enjoys and spend time with me because I am demanding it, but
I guess I feel that I wish he wanted to spend more time with
me. I am not sure if I am blowing this all out of proportion
or not, and we discussed this issue this evening with the end
result being that he suggested that we both think about how
we can deal with this. Now, he is asleep and I am awake and
feeling angry that he is able to sleep while I am still
upset. Am I nuts or what?? Thanks for any insight you can
offer.
A. Thanks for writing. It sounds
like you are not only angry, but probably hurt too. I know
these kinds of situations can be quite painful. There seem to
be two issues here. First, there is a practical problem of
you both having apparently different ideas of what you want
in the relationship. Second, you are getting upset about
these differences. I certainly don't think you are nuts for
feeling that way - many people would. However, you might want
to examine your feelings, and the thoughts associated with
them. What does it mean to you that he wants to spend time
with hockey and other interests? Does it mean he doesn't care
for you? Does he enjoy the time he is with you? What evidence
to you have that he does care for you, even if he enjoys
activities without you at times? Answering these and related
questions to yourself (see my "Reality Check" questions),
might help you to rethink the situation to answer your own
question about whether you are blowing this out of
proportion. There also seems to be an issue about how you
each see the relationship and the "deal" you have with each
other. People typically make assumptions about what the deal
is, without realizing that the other person may see it
differently. The implication of this is that it is important
to communicate and negotiate. As you have done, talk about
it. Let him know what you want, while also acknowledging his
desires, then work out some compromises. For example, you
might go with him to the hockey game, or he might agree to do
something special with you in exchange for going to a game
without you. Differences are going to come up in a
relationship (the first fifty years are the hardest), so
learning how to negotiate is very important. Hope this helped
and thanks again.
Q. I have been in a relationship and
very much in love with someone, for 7+ years who is married
and still living with their spouse, This will appear as a
"red flag" to you immediately, I'm sure, but my question is a
little more basic, as I undrstand the ramifications and
emotional impact this can have on someone. I should also say
that I am single with the exception of this, and live alone.
I have felt that I desrved more than I am getting from this
relationship for a while, possibly more than half it's
duration. I care for this person , and do not want to hurt
them. But I have also had a very strong attraction with
someone else for at least a year now, who is aware of my
relationship, and we have been good friends for at least two
years. I have this strong desire to tell this person how I
feel because of the fact that I work wth them at present, I
am taking another job and fear that I will lose touch with
them. My common sense tells me I should end the relationship
that I am in before I tell this other person a thing because,
but I am wondering if I would only be ending it for that
reason alone, or if it's because what would be best for me. I
also feel I should take both of their feeling into
consideration. I geuss it's less a question than a statement
but I would like your opinion.
A. Thanks for writing. I think you have
answered your own question, but I do have some comments. One
thing you might check out is that people often get involved
with a married person because it is safer. It is sort of like
having a relationship, but without any real commitment. The
problem is that this married person is not really free to
have a relationship with you. If you really want this
relationship, break it off and tell him if he wants to be
with you, resolve his marriage first. I also suspect that you
would feel guilty about hurting this guy if you do break it
off. Certainly, it is better not to hurt others, but in this
case, he set himself up for being hurt by getting involved
with you in the first place while he is married. I agree you
deserve more. One price you pay for being in this
relationship is an "opportunity cost", that is, you are not
free to pursue other possible relationships. I guess I am
just confirming what you already seem to realize. Just check
out whether you might feel afraid of real commitment and if
guilt is part of what is keeping you stuck. If so, you might
want to use some of the self-help tools at my site and check
out the suggested readings. As I usually say, you might also
want to consider getting some counseling, so see the finding
a therapist section of my site. I think you are on the right
track and even though it might be painful, in the long run I
think you will be better off to break it off. Thanks again
and take care.
Q. I have a problem that I need solved.
I meet this girl and we became tight friends real quick. I
started tutoring her in physics for a month. As I spend more
and more time with her I feel I want her more and more. I
mean that I have very strong desires for her. I told her
about my feelings for her but she told me that she doesn't
want to lose a friendship over a relationship. This problem
has been troubling me for more than a month. I try to keep my
feelings inside but it just hurst me more not being able to
go out with her. She doesn't have a man so that is not a
problem. She also thinks highly of me. I feel this it tearing
our freindship apart. What should I do?
A. Sorry about your situation. The way I
see it, there are two elements to answering your question.
First, is to work on your own feelings about the situation,
then deal with the practical problem of the relationship. I
know how painful these kinds of situations can be and I
sympathize. However, being hurt and upset about it doesn't
help you to effectively deal with the real problem. To put
this in perspective, it seems probable to me that she is
afraid to get romantically involved, which is quite common.
It is also possible that she may only like you as a friend
and doesn't want to hurt you by telling you that. In either
case, probably the best thing to do is to be patient, enjoy
the friendship and subtly keep courting her. If she is
interested but afraid, being patient will help her develop
trust and hopefully overcome her fears. If you are
romantically interested in her, show her by deed. Be
romantic. Play hard to get. Tease. Be playful. Make her
interested in you. Have fun. Laugh together. Let the
chemistry happen, if it's going to. If it doesn't, at least
you still have a good friend and can look elsewhere for
romance.
Q. My daughters husband has been told he
is addicted to sex and does not think he is. He watches sex
vedios and then expects his wife to do what he has just seen
on the vedio. My daughter is currently in thrarapy. She was
also sexually as a child and find these sex additudes
offensive. She has agreed to his demands because she sayes
she loves him and he is a good person except for this. He
will not admit that he has a problem and that he has talked
to other women and they don't see he has a problem. My
daughter has decided to devorce her husband because if he
does not get what he wants sexually he become very abusive
verbally and this has taken away most of her self worth. I
would like you to coment on sex as and addition and what the
treament is.
A. There is no simple answer to your
question. Almost any behavior can become compulsive or
addictive, although obviously sex is not literally addictive,
like a drug. The physical concept of addiction is that the
person develops tolerance (takes more to get the same effect)
to the drug and experiences withdrawal symptoms (hangover).
The thing is that even with drugs or alcohol, the physical
aspect is usually not the only issue. So in that sense, sex
can become an addictive behavior. The other complication is
that there are a broad range of sexual behaviors that can be
considered non-pathological. Your son-in-law may just have a
strong sex drive and interest than your daughter, for
example. What would make his behavior pathological is if it
is associated with a lot of anxiety or guilt, if he gets
anxious when he doesn't have sex, if he uses it primarily to
reduce tension and/or if it is causing problems for him in
his life. Regardless of whether it is pathological, however,
it is obviously a problem in their marriage. His verbal
abusiveness certainly seems to be another real problem in the
marriage, as is her letting him get her down so much. It
might be helpful for your daughter to learn how to not base
her sense of worth on other's opinions or on being loved.
Once she develops unconditional self-acceptance (USA), she
might be better able to negotiate with him about this and
other differences. One piece of advice I do give couples
going through serious marital problems is to be patient and
take the time to resolve their differences in a reasonably
healthy way. Part of that may be for her husband to examine
his own motives for his sexual interests. Should he
acknowledge he has a problem, there are various kinds of
treatments. You might want to look at the "finding a
therapist" section of my site. Also look at the addiction
section, which describes SMART Recovery, a free self-help
group for addictive behaviors which is not based on the
twelve step method. There are also twelve step groups for
sexual addictions. Hope this helped and thanks again.
Q. Is shyness a real problem that might
bother people to the extent that it may spoil their days?
Some people talk about being shy as if it's a major problem
or a disease. I don't no why I always get the feeling that
those people are exaggerating and they hide their failure
behind what is so called shyness. Can I discuss this subject
with you (I am fed up with a colleague that is always
complaining from this " horrible defect" as she says, while I
know that she does things that a devil won't do).
A. Good question. Shyness could mean
different things to different people. Usually it refers to
social anxiety. Due to being anxious, people may act shy by
not taking the initiative socially, feeling uncomfortable
with people they don't know and so on. Given this definition,
it is possible that someone could be shy socially, but still
uninhibited in other ways. Shyness can certainly be a very
real problem for some, but it is quite possible that some
people might use it as an excuse. That may be true of many
shortcomings we humans have, that we often use them as a way
of passing the buck. You bring up a good point in the idea of
shyness as some kind of disease. Unfortunately, there is a
tendency to think of any maladaptive behavior as a disease,
as with drinking and drugging, for example. This idea makes
it easy to think that there is nothing that can be done about
it, which is hardly the case. With some effort, most people
can overcome or at least reduce shyness. As for your shy
friend, you might want to look at your own frustration about
her behavior. Your getting yourself upset about it doesn't
change anything, does it? Of course, you could try to change
the situation, if you want, like for example by assertively,
but not aggressively, pointing out to her how you feel and
making a request of her. Or you could just accept that as one
of her foibles and not let it get to you. Another possibility
is to offer her some suggestions about how to get over it
next time she complains. Refer her to my site or to the
suggested readings from my site or to the numerous books on
overcoming shyness that are available. For that matter, she
might benefit from some counseling, so you could refer to the
"finding a therapist" section of my site. Anyway, thanks
again for the question and hope this helped.
Q. I am a female who has a crush on a
bisexual man. Is it possible that he could be faithful to a
woman, or would he always desire men also?
A. Being faithful may have little to do
with one's sexual preferences. Being in a committed
relationship doesn't mean you won't desire others, of
whatever sex or type you like. It just means that you will
not act on those desires because you don't want to mess up a
good thing. So it is really a matter of commitment and
self-discipline, not of sexual preference. Witness the
ongoing issue of same sex marriages. With respect to your
question then, it is quite possible that he could be faithful
regardless of his sexual orientation. Maybe the key issue in
your question is the part about having a crush on this guy. A
crush may be the starting point, but there is a long way to
go between infatuation and a mature, healthy love
relationship. What other qualities does this person have that
would suggest he is ready and able to be involved in a
committed relationship? Is being bisexual just an excuse for
being promiscuous for him? You might want to take a look at
the "relationship red flags" section of my site. Thanks for
your question and good luck.
Q. How long do you stay in a
relationship when it is not moving toward marriage in a
timely manner? I would like to get married and start a
family, my significant other does not seem to want to put
marriage and family as a priority in his life, he is very
work oriented. I am concerned about this and how it will
affect my feelings for him long term and whether I should
remain in this relationship when my needs are not being met.
We have been involved for three and a
half years. We have very good days and some difficult days,
usually brought on by my frustrations with him and his way of
dealing with our relationship. We purchased a home together a
year ago May with the intention of being married in 1995, and
have discussed the marriage issue over and over. We have
looked at rings, talked plans, etc., however, he has not
proposed.
I have been engaged twice before, but
did not get married to either of the people and ended the
relationships for good reasons. I am happy with the decisions
I have made in my life regarding my relationships, however I
am bothered by the fact that he has not proposed yet. He
states that he does want to get married to me, however his
history has been long relationships with other women that he
has never married. I go from being very bothered about this
situation and have threatened to leave the relationship
completely. I even went so far as to move into another room
in the house and tried to make my point that way.
Unfortunately I wasn't able to stand my ground, he just moved
into the bedroom with me, and gently prodded me into moving
back into the other room, which I finally did. I've decided
recently to try and focus on my life and my goals and not
worry so much about the relationship. I have been in
counseling and wonder if he needs to go to counseling, or we
need to go together to work on this problem. Things are going
well now because I will not bring up marriage again as I do
not see a reason to talk about it, it is just painful for me
because I feel he is not being considerate or caring about my
feelings.
A. There are two issues you bring up - the
practical problem of the relationship and your pain about the
problem. You can learn to get over the pain by using some of
the methods at my site, like asking yourself what thoughts go
through your mind when you feel hurt. Apparently, you take
his avoidance of marriage as a sign that he doesn't care
about your feelings. Does he show in other ways he cares? Are
there other explanations? For example, I would speculate that
he is probably afraid of commitment, which is quite common.
So his hesitation probably doesn't mean he doesn't care about
your feelings. Now here is a really tough one. What if it
were true that he didn't care? What would be so hurtful about
that? Probably you would take it personally to mean that
there is something wrong with you. Actually, all it would
mean is that you are not right for each other. By the way,
counselors often talk about "meeting your needs", but I think
it is healthier to think about it as preferences or wants
rather than needs. Moving on to the practical problem, there
are three kinds of solutions. 1. Accept the situation
(without being miserable about it). 2. Work to change it. 3.
Move on with your life. Assuming that he probably has some
fears of commitment, getting him involved in therapy is
probably wise. By the way, you might examine your own
feelings about commitment because it sounds from your history
that you may be attracted to men who are not into commitment.
Discuss this with your therapist if you are still in
counseling. You might want to read the "Therapy for People
Who Don't Believe in Therapy" section of my site for some
ideas of picking and evaluating a therapist. At some point,
you may want to cut your losses and move on. Staying in a
relationship does have an "opportunity cost". That means
while you are in this relationship, you are missing out on
other possible relationship opportunities. You may also have
fears of being alone which are keeping you in the present
situation. I personally would recommend option #2 first,
which is to try to change the situation. You have already
invested a lot, practically and emotionally, in this
relationship, so it would seem worth the effort to change it.
Counseling would be helpful, even if you decide to get out at
some point because it could help you disengage without a lot
of anger, hurt and bitterness. It might also put both of you
in a better position to have a healthy relationship, with
each other or someone else down the road.
Q. I am 18 years old and have never had
a real girlfriend before. What are some good pick up lines? I
am not bad looking. I know if I had a dream lover to call my
own that I would treat her right. Do you have any advice on
how I can get myself a woman?
A. Yes I do! The first thing, is forget
about pick up lines. You seem to idealize women, the "dream
lover" bit. The best way to have a healthy, satisfying love
relationship is to start treating women just like you would
anybody else, as a human being. Work on being friends with
women and let the romance take care of itself. In the long
run, friendship is the most important element of a romantic
relationship. If you are friends first, then you won't have
to worry about pick up lines. Most of us guys learn about
sexual love in a very impersonal way, from magazines or
fantasies, etc. This makes us think of women as sex objects,
not real, living, flesh and blood people. Overcoming that is
the first step towards having a girl friend. This girl will
not be your dream lover, because no human could live up to
your expectations. She will have faults and shortcomings and
characteristics you may not like. Having her as a lover will
not make you happy or make you feel good about yourself,
except maybe temporarily while the illusion lasts. However, a
nice love relationship with the right person can add a lot to
your life satisfaction. A deep sense of contentment and
self-acceptance doesn't come from being love, it comes from
within yourself and from having reality based beliefs. Thanks
for your question - it is one that many others can relate to.
Good luck.
Q #1. My husband and I have been married
for 26 years. About three years ago he formed an
innappropriate friendship with a former student of his. She
was 17. I fought the relationship for three years, they
denied it, I kept finding love letters, coincidences, etc. My
husband is 50 now. I have made him leave the house and am
filing for a divorce. Although he sat and swore to a
counselor two days after he left that he had no idea where
this girl lived and hadn't seen her for over two years, he
went straight to her when I threw him out and is still there.
Is this a normal midlife crisis? I am resigned to a divorce,
but the rejection and sick feeling of having my husband chase
a child is very hard.
A. Thanks for the question. Let me start by
saying that being obsessed with young women is not uncommon
at your husband's age. It is often a reflection of anxiety
about the loss of potency and attractiveness for many men. Of
course, it is one thing to be interested and another all
together to act on those impulses. The urge itself may well
be normal, but indulging urges without regard for the "costs"
is not healthy. As to what you can do, there are two parts to
that. First, you can learn to not be needlessly hurt and
upset about your husband's problem behavior. There are many
specific methods you can use to help you achieve this at my
web site.
Once you are less upset about it all, you
can face the practical problem of what to do about hubby.
That depends on many things, like if you still love him,
children, financial issues, good things about the marriage,
what kind of relationship you had before all this started and
so on. In any event, I would urge patience and understanding.
He may well grow out of this phase and you might come to
regret not hanging in there (if the relationship was
otherwise satisfying). I also encourage you to "shop around"
for a counselor. Apparently, the one you saw did not help
your husband come to terms with his insecurities, anxieties
and impulse control, nor your upsetness about it all. Please
read the "Therapy for People Who Don't Believe in Therapy"
section of my site. Remind yourself that whatever happens
with the marriage, you will be all right. In working through
this difficult situation, you may create a better marriage
with your husband or move on with your own life without him.
Either way, you can be okay. Take care.
Q #2. I have a question about
relationships between men and women: Is it necessary to tell
the truth if we want to be loved ?
A. Thanks for the question. Generally, I
would say that it is desirable to tell the truth in a
relationship. However, telling the truth doesn't necessarily
mean telling all. You can still have private thoughts or
private parts of your life that you don't necessarily need to
share. However, keeping something private for the purpose of
deception or where it would be harmful to the other person
would probably not be desirable. An example of all this might
be a person who has an affair. Often, they might tell their
spouse to reduce their own guilt, which might be harmful. Of
course, it would be useful to consider why they had the
affair in the first place. Were they unhappy in the marriage?
Angry at the spouse? Insecure and trying to boost their
self-esteem? While not telling may be okay in this situation,
it would probably be wise to tell the spouse about one's
dissatisfactions. However, let's say the person found out the
partner in the affair has HIV. In that case, it would be
highly desirable to tell the spouse, even if it caused pain.
Let's say you had thoughts of being with someone else, but
had no intention of acting on them. Such thoughts would
probably be best not shared with the spouse, unless they
reflected some dissatisfaction in the marriage. Hope this
answered your question. If you have a personal reason for
asking, it might be useful to give me the details and let me
answer you more specifically.
Q #4. My husband and I have been married
16 years, we have three children ages 12,15 and 17 (G,B,G).
Three years ago he decided to tell me he was transgendered
and wished to have a sex change. Needless to say it has
severly damaged my emotional state and that of my children.
The biggest problem I have is that I love him. It is killing
me to see all that is happening to my family. I am affraid if
he leaves me I won't make it, and I don't want to be alone.
My children are acting out in a bad way, my oldest even stole
my car and drove 600 miles before she was caught. My son acts
terrible, has taken up smoking, stealing, and lying as
pastimes. And my youngest who *was* an "A" student in school
is now failing most of her classes. My husband does NOT think
that any of these problems are related to his transgendered
issues. I say he just doesn't want to admit to it. What can I
do? Should I leave? Should I stay? I don't know!! I have
tried counseling but I cannot afford it regularly. PLease
help!
A. You are certainly facing some serious
difficulties and I can understand your being quite upset. All
this is undoubtedly affecting the kids, too. Nevertheless, it
is important to understand that even with all these problems,
you don't have to be upset. Concerned and sad, yes, but not
desperately afraid. A lot of your fear seems to come from the
belief that you can't make it without your husband. This
belief causes emotional dependency as well as anxiety when
your source of security is threatened. It might be useful for
you to ask yourself, "Do I really need my husband, or only
want the relationship?" Of course, life without him would be
different and maybe more difficult, but you could certainly
handle it. If that happens, you will deal with it. The more
you realize you don't need him, or anyone for that matter,
the less anxious you will be. I encourage you to work on
learning how to manage your feelings, with or without
professional help. Please read the "Therapy for People Who
Don't Believe in Therapy" section of my site and the
"Suggested Readings". Your husband should also be strongly
encouraged to get some help or at least work on his own
emotions. Once you learn how to get un-upset, you will be
better able to deal with the problems with your kids. Kids
usually pick up on their parents upsetness and I agree with
you that your husband's gender ambivalance and it's
repercussions on you certainly are adversely influencing your
children. Work through my site, check out some of the
suggested readings and seek professional help. Thanks. You
will get through this difficulty.
Q #8. I have lost my self esteem and I
can't figure out why. It seems to be tied to a relationship
that was happy, but turned slowly unhappy. We weren't
married, but it was very important to me. Do you think my
loss of self-esteem has to do with the end of that
relationship? I seem to feel that I'm not worth anything
unless I am with someone I care about. My loss of self-esteem
seemed to begin as the relationship soured. Now that I am by
myself, I am really down on myself.
A. Apparently you have the belief that you
need to be loved to feel worthwhile. This is a common belief,
as you can readily observe by listening to music on the
radio. It will not be but a few minutes before you hear a
song to the effect that "I need you" or "I can't live without
you". That is conditional self-esteem. Even though it makes
you feel down and probably interfered with the relationship,
this need based love seems very exciting. What is behind it
is an illusion we have all cherished since childhood, that of
falling in love and living happily ever after. The
alternative is to give up the illusion and realize that there
are no Prince Charmings or Cinderallas, only us human beings.
You will still want love because having a nice love
relationship in your life can add a lot of satisfaction.
However, it will not make you happy or make you worthy,
although you might con yourself into believing that for as
long as you can maintain the illusion. Certainly you will
feel disappointed, sorry and sad about a relationship ending,
but if you take your whole self worth out of the picture, you
won't feel deeply hurt and depressed. Those are actually
different emotions. Even better, you may find that you are
better able to have a satisfying relationship if you don't
put the burden of your happiness on it and on your partner.
Again, you might want to change your goals to seeking
unconditional self-acceptance (USA) rather than conditional
self-esteem. I hope this helps.
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