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Self-Esteem

Transcript from online Conference with Dr. Robert Sarmiento on

"Self-Esteem"

Wednesday, October 15, 1997

Bob M is Bob McMillan, editor of our online magazine CCI Journal.

Dr. Sarmiento is psychologist, Dr. Robert Sarmiento.

The people color-coded in green are audience members who had questions.

We hold online conferences every Wednesday night starting at 8 p.m. CST, 9 p.m. ET and 6 p.m. Pacific. They are free!! and we'd love to see you there. Of course, we open the floor to questions...so you'll have a chance to ask yours.

If you have any suggestions or comments about our conferences, please email us at: ccijournal@concernedcounseling.com.

BEGINNING

Bob M: Our topic tonight is: SELF-ESTEEM, what is it, is pursuing it endlessly a good thing and if we need more, how do we get it. Our guest tonight is Dr. Robert Sarmiento, Ph.D. from Houston, Texas. Dr. Sarmiento graduated from Harvard and has been in private practice for some 20 years, I believe. Dr. Sarmiento also does a lot of psychological testing and consults with businesses, schools, and law enforcement agencies. Good Evening Dr. Sarmiento. Welcome to the Concerned Counseling website. I'd like to start off by having you explain what "self-esteem" is?

Dr. Sarmiento: Hi! I am a clinical psychologist with a pretty general practice. I also have had a web site called the CyberPsychologist for two years. Self-esteem has various meanings, but one sense in which people mean self-esteem is a global rating of our self-worth or value. Usually this is based on some external criteria, like how successful we are or whether we are loved or approved of.

Bob M: Could we say then that self-esteem involves respecting one's self, or loving one's self?

Dr. Sarmiento: Well, those terms might be similar, but the key point is whether those refer to a global rating of the total self-worth. For example, does it mean you love everything about yourself or respect yourself in every way? Often, self-esteem has that kind of an implication. I would contrast that with self-acceptance, which is a simple acknowledgement of the reality that we are who and what we are. It makes sense to rate your performances, like "I did well", but to rate your whole value based on performance, or any external criteria can actually be emotionally harmful.

Bob M: It seems that many disorders are tied into, or related to self-esteem...or a lack thereof. Are you saying that the idea of "self-esteem", rating ourselves, is unhealthy?

Dr. Sarmiento: Yes, self-esteem is tied into many mental disorders. In fact, I saw a Ziggy cartoon recently in which his therapist is saying, "Low self-esteem. Is that all?" But to get back to your question, it is often not low self-esteem that is the problem itself, but rather the very act of rating our total self-worth that gets us in emotional trouble. In that sense, self-esteem is almost like an addiction.

Bob M: But Dr. are you saying the idea of self-esteem is an unhealthy one?

Dr.Sarmiento: Yes! At least in the sense of a global self-rating.

Bob M: I want to break this down into two questions. The first: what makes a person think highly of themselves?

Dr. Sarmiento: Well, often we feel good about ourselves when we measure up to some criteria or rule, like, "To feel good about myself, I must be successful". These rules are like a yardstick. When we measure up to this rule, we feel good. The problem enters in because when we don't measure up, we feel down on ourselves. It is like the stock market, going up and down.

Bob M: Is it hard to feel good about yourself just because you are a nice, decent person...or is it always a measurement of comparison: "She did this, well I can do it better. I must be good"?

Dr. Sarmiento: You raise a very good point, that these kinds of global ratings are ultimately comparisons. If you rate yourself based on success, for example, then you feel superior to someone who is less successful. Of course, you are inferior to those who are more successful, by the same logic. The alternative to self-esteem is to not rate your total self-worth at all. This is unconditional self-acceptance or USA. Self-esteem is usually a conditional rating - I'm okay as long as I measure up to whatever criteria.

Bob M: The second part of the question is: what specifically is it that makes a person think "poorly" of themselves?

Dr. Sarmiento: Well, usually when we feel down on ourselves, and we all do from time-to-time, it is usually because we are falling short on whatever "yardsticks" we are using. Such self-downing is a big part of depression, for example. Much anxiety comes when we perceive a threat to our self-worth. The problem in self-downing is not the person, but the yardstick! For example, say you fail at something. Does that make you a total failure? Many people feel so, but actually you only failed at that one thing. Each of us has many success and failures, so to rate your total self-worth based on once incident is a gross overgeneralization.

Bob M: We're opening the floor now for your questions. We are talking with Dr. Robert Sarmiento. Dr. Sarmiento is in private practice in Houston, Texas. Besides his private practice, he does a lot of psychological testing and career counseling and is a consultant to businesses and law enforcement agencies.

Bob M: How then, specifically, does one achieve "unconditional self-acceptance"?

Dr. Sarmiento: That is a great question. USA comes from not rating your total self- worth at all and realizing that you are you. You may be better in some ways than others or worse, but that doesn't make you any less of a person, or any better. The hard part of USA is giving up the secret hope of proving that we are wonderfully superior. That's the sense in which I meant that self-esteem is addictive.

Bob M: Here are some questions from the audience:

Wemurph: How does one teach a child with differences to accept his self-worth?

Dr. Sarmiento: That is a good question. The important thing is to help the child understand that different isn't better or worse. Teach self-acceptance. Also, don't give conditional messages, like "You bad boy". You might not see this right away, but "I'm proud of you" is also a conditional message. It implies that you wouldn't be proud if he hadn't done well or whatever.

Bob M: Here are two questions that are similar:

Denny: Why does a person "present" themselves as worthy, yet inside they truly hate themselves?

Janis: I don't believe I have a secret hope of proving that I am "wonderfully superior." In fact I feel very inferior. Outwardly I am a successful person, but my thoughts constantly berate and question everything I say or do. How do I stop the constant criticism of myself and make myself believe that I matter, that I am a worthwhile person?

Dr. Sarmiento: We often show a different front than what we feel. I understand how painful it can be to berate yourself. That probably comes from making unrealistic demands of yourself. The problem is that nobody is always successful and you could always be more successful. The way out of that is to realize that you are the same person whether you succeed or not. You may be better off for succeeding, but your essence hasn't changed either way. It is a great relief to realize you don't have to prove yourself. You are okay as you are. You will still want to succeed, because it is good for you, but not to prove you are worthy. I know this is difficult, but it is a choice of beliefs.

Ugly: I have tried to kill myself several times because there is nothing about me that I like or accept about myself. I have been on antidepressants, but nothing seems to work. Is there anything that I can do to at least not want to improve my self-esteem?

Dr. Sarmiento: I'm sorry to hear about your feeling so down. I know it can be very painful. There is no easy answer, but you might want to try cognitive-behavioral methods, which is what we are talking about here. If you haven't, read "Feeling Good" by David Burns. The key here is to identify what the "rules" are by which you are coming up with such a negative self rating, then question or challenge them.

RevMattie: This all sounds very good, but how do you start repairing low self-esteem? I have an 11 year old who has very low self-esteem and that is why I am here - I want to help him and do not know how.

Dr. Sarmiento: It is difficult, but quite possible. Again, you might want to try to find out what your 11 year old is thinking when he or she feels down. They you can help him or her question those thoughts. You can also try to give unconditionally accepting thoughts. For example, when the child does well, say something like, "I bet you are glad you did so well". You might also point out that the child is still okay even if they didn't do well. Efforts to boost self-esteem might actually backfire, so it is better usually to strive for self-acceptance, not self-esteem, in the sense we have been discussing it.

Bob M: Here are a couple of audience comments, then we'll continue with the questions:

Liz: I do not base worth on a person's accomplishments, or think those with high self- esteem are necessarily feeling that good about themselves down deep. I feel that it goes much deeper as to what kind of person you really are when the eyes of others are not watching, and that is the most important aspect.

Rose: For me it seems turning 40 and more, I really don't seem to care about things that used to concern me. An acceptance of who I am has grown. And I don't buy into all of the images that I am supposed to be, by media or society. When it is all over and done with, how well we loved will be what is important.

Lois: Hi, it seems to me that we can help each other's self-esteem by validating what someone is feeling. Mirroring the child's feelings, then saying something empathetic and encouraging.

Dr. Sarmiento: Rose, it sounds like you have found self-acceptance, which is great. It comes from not buying in to unrealistic expectations, like we often get from the media.

Bob M: Here are some more questions...

Cheryl: Co-dependency and low self-esteem---how do they relate to one another?

Dr. Sarmiento: Good question. Codependency is really nothing more than the belief that you need someone to love you or take care of you. That ties in to self-esteem because once you believe this, then your self-worth gets tied to being loved. That robs you of power in a relationship and often leads to putting up with a lot of dissatisfaction or even mistreatment. The way out of that trap is to realize that you don't need love, although most of us want it. When you realize that you are okay, with or without love, then you will no longer be codependent. Of course, this is easier said than done, but it gets back to developing unconditional self-acceptance. When you take your whole worth off the line, there is much less anxiety and depression about the things going on in our lives.

Bob M: If you are just joining us, welcome to the Concerned Counseling website. We are speaking with Dr. Robert Sarmiento, Ph.D. about the issue of self-esteem. Dr. Sarmiento has been saying that "self-esteem" really isn't a great idea, measuring yourself against everyone and everything else. Rather, you would be better off with "self-acceptance", learning to like yourself for who you are. We are taking questions from the audience. Here's our next question....

Tigger: I have a comment/question on your statement "such self-downing is a big part of depression". I'm a depressive who lives in a small town. In the past year, I (finally) found a combo of meds that works for me. My sense of self-worth is much improved but... everyone around me still regards me as a mental patient. Have you ever had a patient who experienced this dilemma and, if so, how did they get around it?

Dr. Sarmiento: There are two parts to your question. First, is how you feel about what others think, and second, is what to do about it. It might be good to remind yourself that not "everybody" thinks of you this way. The other thing is to accept that those are just people's opinions. Once you are okay with that, probably the best thing is to simply ignore it and they will stop after awhile. If someone is rude about it, you could assertively confront them by saying something like, "I feel annoyed when you ..." . By the way, the issue of medications is important. I suppose it is somewhat of a chicken and egg problem. By that, I mean does depression cause low self-esteem or does thinking you have low self-worth cause depression? For some people, the meds are essential, but there is usually also a cognitive or thought component.

Katlane: Don't you think people feel greater self-esteem when things are getting better? I think self-esteem is a relative thing and not something that has an absolute value.

Dr. Sarmiento: Yes, but that is the problem. If you tie your self-worth to any external criteria, like things getting better, you are setting yourself up for a loss of self-esteem when things turn sour. Actually, once you stop rating yourself, it is easier to make things better in your life, not the other way around.

KC: Why is it that we tend to have low self-esteem based on our interactions with people?

Dr. Sarmiento: That is very common. It usually comes from another irrational belief or yardstick of believing you need approval. The problem with that is that not everyone will approve of us. Even people who like us probably won't like every single thing about us. So if you base your self worth on being liked or respected, you are guaranteed to feel down regularly. The alternative is to want or desire approval because it is good for you, not as a measure of your self- worth.

Kaylie: I'm not sure if this relates directly to the topic, but is there a way for one to prevent your teenager (female, in particular) from emphasizing too much worth on their body image?

Dr. Sarmiento: Good question and a tough one. The problem is that our cultural models of beauty are completely unrealistic. Your question is right on topic because attractiveness is another "yardstick" by which people often rate their self-worth. You might want to ask her questions to get her thinking about this. For example, ask her if a less attractive friend is any less valuable as a person. Get her thinking about the idea that she is basing her whole self-worth on her looks.

Bob M: On that topic of body image, I had a mom write to me after the "eating disorders" conference. Here's what she did: she put her daughter in the car, took her to the mall and to a nursing home---pointed out various types of women and told her daughter are these people any better or worse than you. Then they had a talk about self-worth. Brains, common-sense, personality, integrity. The things that last a lifetime and shine through after the initial impact of looks. She found it to be very effective. Onto the next question...

Dr. Sarmiento: Great example of unconditional self-acceptance.

Cindi: I am married to an alcoholic and have two children. Life is pretty difficult for all of us dealing with this. It seems no matter what the kids and I do, it is not good enough and really drags my self esteem down. My 10 yr old son is also ADHD and his self esteem is very low without the fact he has an alcoholic father. What can Cindi do to help herself...and separately help her child?

Dr. Sarmiento: Sorry about your unfortunate situation. I know how difficult it must be, but you can learn to not base your own sense of worth on what your husband thinks. As for your son, unfortunately, kids with such problems often develop "emotional side effects" like low self-worth. You can try some of the things we have been discussing to help him realize that he is okay despite his disability. I would also recommend cognitive-behavioral counseling for your son and yourself, and your husband, if he is willing. There is a free self-help group for alcoholics based on cognitive-behavioral methods called SMART Recovery.

Bob M: Twice you have used the term 'cognitive-behavioral" counseling. For those who are not psychologists, what does that mean?

Bob M: While Dr. Sarmiento is answering that question, I want to tell Cindi that even if her husband doesn't seek counseling, that should not prevent you or your child from getting help.

Dr. Sarmiento: That is an approach based on the idea that our feelings are largely caused by our own beliefs. It involves learning how to manage our feelings, or increasing "emotional intelligence". By the way, I agree with you about Cindi - don't wait for your husband. Once you get started, he will probably come along.

Bob M: We are talking with psychologist, Dr. Robert Sarmiento and taking questions from the audience for a few more minutes. Towards the end, we'll give you Dr. Sarmiento's website address. Also, if you info about what's happening on our site, including these conferences, real audio interviews, our ezine, you can subscribe to our free weekly email newsletter, send me your name and email address to: newsletter@concernedcounseling.com. For those of you who are new here...welcome...and we have these Wednesday night online conferences every week. Also, our chat rooms are open 24 hrs.

Kali: I've suffered from depression since I was a child and believe it is caused by low self-worth. What helps me tremendously is to have patience with myself. It takes takes a lot of time to heal.

Dr. Sarmiento: Good for you. I think patience with yourself sounds a lot like what we have been calling unconditional self-acceptance. It can take time to heal, but the process can be speeded up by learning the right tools. Keep working at it! By the way, low self-worth is a major component of depression, but by no means the only one.

Bob M: It's getting rather late. I want to thank our guest Dr. Robert Sarmiento for being here tonight. I think your message of "self-acceptance" rather than comparing yourself to everyone and everything else is a very important one. Many of the people in the audience appreciate you being here. How about giving us your website address dr.?

Dr. Sarmiento: Thanks. It has been my pleasure. You can find out more about cognitive behavioral methods at my site, which is at www.cyberpsych.com. There is a free discussion forum and lots of self-help tools.

Bob M: Thank you Dr. Sarmiento for being our guest tonight. The audience really appreciated your insight and good advice.

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