Notes

Outline

E. Emotional         M. Management            S.  Skills

WARNING!! This program may be hazardous to your  preconceived notions. May challenge deeply held ideas. May cause disagreement, frustration or  even anger. May seem counter-intuitive.

WARNING!! (cont.) Subject to various kinds of misunderstanding. May threaten entrenched interests. May lead to temporary feelings of confusion and uncertainty.

Robert F. Sarmiento, Ph.D. Psychologist Education B.A. in Psychology, Harvard University, 1967 Ph.D. in Psychology, University of Rochester, 1972 Experience 1972-1976 Assistant Professor of Psychology,State University of New York, College at Brockport 1976- present         Private Practice, Houston, Texas

Areas of Practice Clinical Psychology:   Psychotherapy                Marriage and Family                Substance Abuse                Psychological Testing Career and Work:       Career & Personnel Testing                 Career Planning & Coaching                 Outplacement Consulting:        Law Enforcement                       Legal/Expert Witness              Business Consulting                                Speaking and Training

Cognitive-Behavioral Theory Rational-Emotive Behavior Theory (REBT) Albert Ellis, Ph.D. Cognitive Theory Aaron Beck, M.D.

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COSTS OF UNHEALTHY EMOTIONS Unhappiness/Victimization                   (e.g. Stress, depression, anger, frustration) Poor Performance                                 (e.g. choking, poor concentration, errors, burnout, call reluctance, absenteeism)

Costs of unhealthy emotions (cont.) Interpersonal Problems                                  (e.g. button pushing, personality clashes, lack of political power) Escape and avoidance behaviors                    (e.g. procrastination, busy work, self-indulgence, lack of discipline, substance abuse, other addictive behaviors) Self-defeating                                                   (e.g. blocking, limiting, self-sabotage)

BENEFITS OF EMS Mostly healthy emotions Rarely upset, stressed, or frustrated Emotionally stable and mature Assertive but not aggressive Better performance – can handle pressure

Benefits of EMS (cont.) Get along better with others Self-disciplined and effective Empowerment – better able to get what you want out of life

OBSTACLES TO CHANGE It is normal to be upset. That’s just the way I am. I don’t cause my own feelings. It will be difficult and uncomfortable. It’s too simple. I can’t change without understanding my past.

Obstacles to change (cont.) Change must be difficult and painful. I might fail or make mistakes. I don’t understand. I will be cold and unemotional. I’ll be weak and helpless. I won’t be motivated. I will be different.

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SNAKE 1

SNAKE 2

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Sample ABC Exercise

Thoughts Iceberg for Anger

Anger Iceberg (cont.)

Disputation of Blame Proneness BELIEF:  People must not do wrong. How wrong is it (1 to 10)? Why must they not?  Are people perfect? Do people act the way I want them to? Does doing wrong make them totally bad? NEW BELIEF:  I prefer that people treat me right, but they won’t always.

Anger-reducing Beliefs Anger doesn’t help me in the long run. I can dislike bad behavior and deal with it appropriately without getting angry. While it is preferable to be treated fairly, there is no reason why I must be. This person’s behavior may be bad, but he or she is not a totally bad person.

Thoughts Iceberg for Frustration

Frustration Iceberg (cont.)

Disputation of Impatience Belief:  I must not have hassles. How bad are these hassles (1 to 10)? Why shouldn’t I have difficulties? Aren’t hassles part of life? Can I stand difficulties and hassles? New Belief:  I would like not to have hassles, but too bad – that’s the way it is.

Beliefs to Increase Patience While some things in my job and life may be difficult, unpleasant or boring, they are not overwhelming or unbearable. In order to achieve pleasant results, I may have do to some unpleasant things. It is a pain to do this now, but putting it off will just make it worse.

BASIC UPSETTING IDEAS

I must … Be successful and do well Be liked, admired and respected Be loved the way I want to be Be perfect and make no mistakes Be comfortable and have few hassles Get my way quickly and easily Be certain and in control

You must … Do what I want Not do wrong towards me Treat me in a way I think is fair and just Satisfy my needs Love me the way I think you should Not leave me Give me what I want

The world must … Be fair Give me what I want Not have tragedy and pain Have few hassles Be easy and comfortable Be the way I want it to be

SPECIFIC UPSETTING BELIEFS

Anxiety Causing Beliefs I must succeed, achieve and be competent because I am a failure as a person when I fail or do poorly. I must be liked, admired, approved of and respected by significant people in my life, and if not, it is awful.

Disputation for Need for Success Belief:  I must do well and be successful. Why must I do well? Is it possible to always do well? What is the evidence for my belief? What price do I pay for this belief? How will giving this belief up help me? New Belief:  I want to do well but don’t have to and I am okay whether I do well or not.

Disputation of Need for Approval Belief:  I need the approval of others. Why do I need to be liked? Is it possible to always be liked? Has everyone liked me? Is there anyone universally liked? New Belief:  I prefer to be liked.  If someone dislikes me, that is just his or her opinion.

Passivity causing beliefs I need someone or something stronger than myself of whom to depend because I can’t cope with life by myself. My past is the cause of my present problems, so I can’t change. This is how I am and I can’t change If only ____________, then I could be happy because happiness is something that happens to you, not something you create.

Anger Causing Ideas People, including me, must not do wrong or they are bad, rotten people who deserve condemnation. People must do what I think is right. The world and other people must be fair and just, that is, the way I want them to be.

Frustration Causing Beliefs I can’t stand it when people or things aren’t the way I want them to be. I must get my way quickly and easily. It is easier to avoid rather than face problems and difficulties. I must be comfortable and free of pain or I can’t stand it.

Perfection Causing Beliefs There is a right, perfect way I must find. I have to be certain and in control. I must worry when faced with uncertainty or potential danger because worry wards off danger and shows what a caring person I am. I must become upset when faced with difficulties.

SELF-HELP TOOLS

COPING STATEMENTS

Reality Check Are my emotions and/or behaviors healthy? What am I telling myself? Am I exaggerating or distorting? Where is the evidence? Are there other explanations? Whose problem is this? What is the worst that can happen?

Reality check (cont.) Am I taking it too personally or seriously? Am I demanding success?  Approval? Perfection? Control?  Certainty?  My way? Do I need this or only want it? Can I stand it? How can I think more realistically? What, if anything, can I do?

INCREASING STRESS TOLERANCE Exercise regularly. Eat right. Get enough sleep. Take a break. Make a concern list. Prioritize values.

Stress tolerance, CONT. Evaluate relationships and commitments. Do career, life and financial planning. Talk out problems. Do things you enjoy – smell the roses. Be your own best friend. Seek professional help.

Ingredients of Well Being Unconditional Self-Acceptance (USA) Reasonable risk-taking Non-Utopian – acknowledge current reality High frustration tolerance Patient and self-disciplined Accepts responsibility for self – not blaming Self-interested but not selfish

Well-Being (cont.) Social Interest – creating win/win outcomes Emotional independence Tolerance – assertive but not aggressive Flexibility and adaptability Acceptance of uncertainty Vital Absorption in some outside interest

HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENTS Self-help Reading Written Assignments (e.g. ABC exercise) Switching (Replaying or mental rehearsal) Shame and Discomfort Attacking Risk Taking Anti-procrastination, Anti-perfectionism Positive and Negative Consequences

OBSTACLES AND ROADBLOCKS Backsliding, slips Confusion, uncertainty Fear, embarrassment Resentment, anger Frustration, discomfort Discouragement, giving up